Feel the urge to think 'new you'? Don't do it - do this instead
December is a blur for most people.
There’s enormous pressure winding up work for the year.
There are all the events: in-laws, parents, brothers and sisters and their families, there may be the dread of people coming together who don’t get along. The gossip. The tension. Often all made worse if there’s alcohol mixed in.
For others, it's a time of little or no family, and feelings of loss and isolation.
Christmas is a time of avoidance, distraction, and often extreme attempts at self-soothing.
That gets a lot of us thinking about how you want next year to be different.
You'll be ‘better’. You’ll be ‘good’.
But if you want to make big life changes, don’t start now. It’s too overwhelming, and the nasty critic in your head is at its loudest and meanest.
You may also hear the ‘f*ck it’ voice. It’s the one that once you’ve drunk or eaten more than you planned goes ‘yeah, f*ck it, eat/drink more, it’s too late anyway.’
However, you can use this time of year to do something useful for your future self, that will also help you navigate all the stress.
Observe
Christmas is the perfect time to simply watch what’s going on for you. We do a lot of things at this time of year that we don’t tend to do at any other time, so important patterns tend to stand out more.
Observing sounds simple, but you might be wondering how to do it. One way is to do a little visualisation. Imagine yourself rising into the sky and looking down on a day in your life. Think of what a drone would see if it was flying above everything. Instead of moment after moment of little dramas, decisions, calls, and discussions, try to notice what you’re doing.
For example, you might realise you hear a voice saying things like:
“I shouldn’t do this”
“I’ll be better tomorrow”
“It’s just one, it doesn’t matter.”
A lot of it is you trying to justify what you morally judge to be ‘bad’ behaviour. Worse, there’s shame.
“You ate that chocolate when you said you wouldn’t, you’re such a f*ck up.”
When you step back and observe, you give yourself space to look at things more objectively.
For instance, if you’re in a room full of delicious food that you find incredibly tempting, you’re going to have some. It’s highly likely you’ll eat more than you intended and it’s completely understandable. Celebrating, being with people you love, and eating, are all vital ways we connect and find meaning in our lives.
For some people, it could be the opposite – you police yourself strictly when you’re in a group, and then eat more when you’re alone.
Watch how you behave when you’re in a big group versus when you’re alone. There will be times when you find it easier to say no to foods you find enjoyable or simply don’t notice them.
The point isn’t to judge yourself as good or bad. It’s to see patterns so you can work out your next steps.
Why this time of year isn't the time for 'new you'
This kind of observation of yourself is important because it’s impossible to change unless we first acknowledge our patterns of behaviour.
But that makes it very tempting to think of Christmas and new year as the perfect time for a big reframe.
But you – and everyone around you – are under similar pressures and practicing varying ways of self-soothing. If food or alcohol is a way you self-soothe and you want to change it, it’s very difficult to do that at the most stressful time of year when food, alcohol and stress are present in extra generous quantities.
You're dooming yourself to fail.
All I suggest you do is notice. Set an intention to be genuinely curious, like you’re David Attenborough watching zebras. It’s difficult because as soon as you notice something – for example, that you ate more than you thought you should during a big family meal – the critical voice in your head is immediately going to want to explain things. It wants to assign meaning and certainty to it, usually a negative judgement of yourself or others, or both. It will do this in an instant before you realise it.
So all you’re doing at this stage is gathering information. It’s going to help you form a life blueprint, a way to see what works for you, and what doesn’t.
This isn’t a way to come up with New Year’s resolutions either. The goal is to begin a new phase of your life. There’s no finish line – it’s about finding purposeful, loving ways to create your life rather than always reacting to what’s going on around you.
HOW AN APPOINTMENT WITH KATE CAN HELP YOU
The ability to be genuinely curious about your own life and your reactions to it aren't something magical that appears when you have surgery or take drugs, or lose weight.
These methods can give you a 'honeymoon' of months (drugs), up to a year (surgery) where you lose weight and all is good. Then one day... the cravings start creeping back in. Small at first. Then, increasingly louder. It's completely normal and exactly what we expect.
Kate’s research for her Masters of Nursing found it’s especially difficult for people who have lived or who are living in bigger bodies to access curiosity, compassion and acceptance because there’s a lifetime of criticism embedded in their thought processes. Being this kind to yourself is possibly something you've never experienced before or even seen.
Kate’s role is to help guide you through the process of awakening curiosity, compassion, and acceptance and practice them in situations where you struggle.
Often, the inner critic sneaks in and manipulates a situation, usually disguised as pure logic. It's the 'truth'. For example, ‘I know all this, I just can’t do it because I’m bad/weak/lazy.’ I can't ever change.
It can be hard to catch your own inner critic, especially if you've spent years, decades, probably your whole life listening to it. That's why having someone like Kate hearing it and directing you back to curiosity is so helpful.
Kate’s role is similar to that of a personal trainer guiding you through a beginner’s weight-lifting course. You need good form and technique, someone keeping an eye out for when you deviate, and then every so often nudging you into a little discomfort so you can see what you’re capable of, expand yourself, see what's possible.
What you're capable of is always remarkable once you have the skills and take time to practice and we see people transform every day when they step into their power.
If you’d like to make an appointment, please email us for more information or click here for more details.
Copyright: Kate Berridge, www.tiaki-whaiaro.co.nz, 2024
